Dogs in Elk
A Halloween Tribute
carnage depicted here consists entirely of vegetable matter.
No elk (or
dogs) were harmed in the production of this web page.
A recent thread in
As Confirmed by the protagonist.
|Anne V - 01:01pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1318 of 1332)
Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.
01:02pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1319 of 1332)
Um, can you give us a few more specifics here?
V - 01:12pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1320 of 1332)
They're inside of it. They crawled inside, and now I have a giant incredibly heavy piece of carcass in my yard, with 2 dogs inside
of it, and they are NOT getting bored of it and coming
out. One of them is snoring. I have company arriving in
three hours, and my current plan is to 1. put up a tent
over said carcass and 2. hang thousands of fly strips
inside it. This has been going on since about 6:40 this morning.
AmyC - 01:19pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT
(# 1321 of 1332)
Oh. My. God. What sort of carcass is big enough to hold a couple of dogs inside? Given the situation, I'm afraid you're not going to be
create enough of a diversion to get the dogs out of the
carrion, unless they like greeting company as much as they
like rolling around in dead stuff. Which
seems unlikely. Can you turn a hose on the festivities?
Ase Innes-Ker -
01:31pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1322 of 1332)
I'm sorry Anne. I know this is a problem (and it would have driven me crazy), but it is
also incredibly funny.
Anne V - 01:31pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1323 of 1332)
Elk. Elk are very big this year, because of the rain and good grazing and so forth. They aren't rolling. They are alternately napping
and eating. They each have a
ribcage. Other dogs are working on them from the outside.
It's all way too primal in my yard right now. We tried the hose trick. At someone elses house, which is where they climbed in and
began to refuse to come out. Many hours ago. I think that
the hose mostly helps keep them cool
and dislodges little moist snacks for them. hose failed.
My new hope is that if they all continue
to eat at this rate, they will be finished before the
houseguests arrive. The very urban houseguests. Oh, ghod -
I know it's funny. It's appalling, and funny, and completely entirely
representative of life with dogs.
- 01:37pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1324 of 1332)
I'm so glad I read this thread, dogless as I am. Dogs in elk. Dogs in elk.
V - 01:41pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1325 of 1332)
It's like that childrens book out there - dogs in elk, dogs on elk, dogs around elk, dogs outside elk. And there is some elk inside of, as
well as on, each dog at this
Elizabeth K -
01:57pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1328 of 1333)
Anne, aren't you in Arizona or Nevada? There are elk there? I'm so
confused! We definitely need to see pics of Gus Pong and Jake in
the elk carcass.
Anne V - 02:03pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1329 of 1333)
I am in New Mexico, but there are elk in both arizona and nevada, yes. There are elk all over the damn place. They don't look out very
often. If you stand the ribcage on end they scramble to
the top and look out, all red.
Otherwise, you kinda have to get in there a little bit yourself to really
see them. So I think there will not be pictures.
CoseyMo - 02:06pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1330 of 1333)
"all red;" I'm not sure the deeper horror of all this was fully borne
me till I saw that little phrase.
Anne V - 02:10pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1331 of 1333)
Well, you know, the Basenji (that would be Jake) is a desert dog, naturally, and infamous for it's aversion to water. And then, Gus
Pong (who is coming to us, live, unamplified and with a
terrific reverb which is making me a little dizzy) really
doesn't mind water, but hates to be cold. Or soapy. And
both of them can really run. Sprints of up to 35 mph have
been clocked. So. If ever they come out, catching them and returning
them to a condition where they can be considered house pets is
not going to be, shall we say, pleasant.
02:15pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1332 of 1333)
What if you stand the ribcage on end, wait for them to look out, grab
them when they do and
Anne V - 02:18pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1333 of 1333)
They wedge their toes between the ribs. And scream. We tried that before we brought the elk home from the mountain with dogs inside. Jake
nearly took my friends arm off. He's already short a toe,
so he cherishes the 15 that
Linda Hewitt -
02:30pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1336 of 1356)
Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come
pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets
overnight. If anyone would know what to do, it would be
your vet. It might cost some
money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.
02:37pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1337 of 1356)
Yikes! My sympathy! When I lived in New Mexico, my best friend's dog
(the escape artist) was continually bringing home road kill. When
there was no road kill convenient, he would visit the
neighbor's house. Said neighbor slaughtered his own beef.
The dog found all kinds of impossibly gross toys in the
neighbor's trash pit. I have always had medium to large
dogs. The smallest dog I ever had was a mutt from the SPCA who matured
out at just above knee high and about 55 pounds. Our current dog
(daughter's choice) is a Pomeranian. A very small Pomeranian. She's
8 months old now and not quite 4 pounds. I'm afraid I'll break her.
Lori Shiraishi -
02:38pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1338 of 1356)
Bet you could fit a whole lot of Pomeranians in that there elk carcass!
Anne - my condolences on
what must be a unbelievable situation!
V - 02:44pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1339 of 1356)
I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you
expect?* and *no, there is no such thing as too much elk
meat for a dog.* He is planning to stop over and take a
look on his way home. Thanks, Lori.
I am almost surrendered to the absurdity of it.
Lori Shiraishi -
02:49pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1340 of 1356)
"He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home." So he
can fall down laughing in
Anne V - 02:50pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1341 of 1356)
Basically, yeah. That would be about it.
02:56pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1342 of 1356)
>no, there is no such thing as too much elk
meat for a dog."
Oh, sweet lord, Anne. You have my
deepest sympathies in this, perhaps the most peculiar of the Gus Pong Adventures. You are truly a
woman of superhuman patience. wait -- you carried the
carcass down from the mountains
with the dogs inside?
Anne V - 02:59pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1343 of 1356)
>the carcass down from the mountains with the
no, well, sort of. My part in the whole thing was to get
really stressed about a
meeting that I had to go to, and say *yeah, ok, whatever* when it
was suggested that the ribcages, since we couldn't get the dogs out
of them and the dogs couldn't be left there, be brought to my house.
Because, you know - I just thought they would get bored
of it sooner or later. But it
appears to be later, in the misty uncertain future, that they
will get bored. Now, they are still interested. And very loud, one
singing, one snoring.
Lori Shiraishi -
03:04pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1344 of 1356)
>And very loud, one singing, one snoring.
wow. I can't even begin to imagine the
acoustics involved with singing from the inside of an
Anne V - 03:04pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1345 of 1356)
reverb. lots and lots of reverb.
Anne V - 03:15pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1347 of 1356)
I'll tell you the thing that is causing me to lose it again and again, and then I have to go back outside and stay there for a while.
After the meeting, I said to my (extraordinary) boss,
*look, I've gotta go home for the rest of the day, I
think. Jake and Gus Pong are inside some elk ribcages, and
my dad is coming tonight, so I've got to get them out somehow.*
And he said, pale and huge-eyed, *Annie, how did you explain the
elk to the clients?* The poor, poor man thought I had the carcasses brought
to work with me. For some reason, I find this deeply funny.
V - 08:37am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1395 of 1405)
So what we did was put the ribcages (containing dogs) on tarps and drag them around to the side yard, where I figured they would at least
be harder to see, and then opened my bedroom window so
that the dogs could let me know when
they were ready to be plunged into a de-elking solution and let
in the house. Then I went to the airport. Came home, no visible elk, no visible dogs. Peeked around the shrubs, and there they were,
still in the elk. By this time, they had gnawed out some
little portholes between some of the ribs, and you got the
occasional very frightening glimpse of something moving
around in there if you watched long enough. After a lot of
agonizing, I went to bed. I closed the back door, made sure my window was
open, talked to the dogs out of it until I as sure they knew it was open,
and then I fell asleep.
Sometimes, sleep is a mistake, no matter
how tired you are. And especially if you are very very
tired, and some of your dogs are outside, inside
some elks. Because when you are that tired, you sleep through bumping
kind of noises, or you kind of think that it's just the house guests.
It wasn't the house guests. It was my dogs, having an attack of
teamwork unprecedented in our domestic history. When I finally woke all
the way up, it was to a horrible vision. Somehow, 3 dogs with a combined
weight of about 90 pounds, managed to hoist one of the ribcages (the
meatier one, of course) up 3 feet to rest on top of the swamp cooler
outside the window, and push out the screen. What woke me was Gus
Pong, howling in frustration from inside the ribcage, very close to
my head, combined with feverish little grunts from Jake,
who was standing on the nightstand, bracing himself against the curtains
with remarkably bloody little feet.
Here are some things I have learned, this Rosh Hashanah
1. almond milk removes elk blood from curtains and
2. We can all exercise superhuman strength when it comes
to getting elk carcasses
out of our yard,
3. The sight of elk ribcages hurtling over the fence
really frightens the
nice deputy sheriff who lives across the street, and
4. the dogs can pop the screens out of the windows,
without damaging them,
from either side.
Anne V - 09:58am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1401 of
What I am is really grateful that they didn't actually get the damn thing in the window, which is clearly the direction they were
going in. And that the nice deputy didn't arrest me for
terrifying her with elk parts
09:59am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1402 of 1405)
Imagine waking up with a gnawed elk carcass in your bed, like a
"Godfather" with an all-dog cast.
Anne V - 10:01am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1403 of
There is not enough almond milk in the world to solve an event of that kind.
||Posted here by Rob
With thanks to Annie Verchick and the participants in the original discussion on
Salon, Fellow pumpkin carvers Kim Schneider
and Ari Benbasat for their work on the
piece, Bill Tomlinson and Brad
Rhodes for hosting the shin-dig, and Julie
Tenney for taking the pictures.
And of course, Kristen Hall, for bringing Dogs in Elk
into the Lab.
In case you're wondering,
pumpkin and a little tomato sauce. And some port. If you're having
trouble making it out, look closely - it's two pumpkin dogs inside a pumpkin
The musical should be released
some time next year.
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