Steven Wright

The Wit and Wisdom of Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident.

I was walking my dog around the building...on the ledge. I'm not afraid of heights, it's widths I can't stand.

I put a new engine in my car...and I didn't take the old one out. Now I can go 500 miles an hour.

When I was a child, we had a quicksandbox in the back yard. I was an only child....eventually.

I lost my job clearing tables. I was clearing them for takeoff.

Last time I went camping, I rented a circus tent by accident. I didn't notice until after it was set up.

I bought a box of powdered water, but I don't know what to add.

I use to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I lost a button hole.

Last night I played poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

My mind wanders. One time it wondered all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

I have a map of the United States actual size.

I spilled spot remover on my dog now he's gone.

One day I couldn't find my socks, so I called information. I said, " I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the sofa." They were.

I once went to a drive-in movie in a cab. Cost me $95.00.

I used to have a helicopter instead of a car, but I could never find a parking place. I just tied it to something with a rope and left it running.

I put tape on my mirrors so I don't accidently walk thru into another dimension.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobes. Now when I drive it looks like no one else is moving.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I collect rare photographs. I have a picture of Houdini locking his keys in the car. I have a picture of Norman Rockwell beating a child.

A friend of mine is a radio announcer. When he walks under bridges, you can't hear him talk.

I met my girlfriend in a department store. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators.

I got on an elevator with an old man. I asked him where he was going, and he said 'Phoenix', so I pressed Phoenix. When we got there, I decided this was the kind of guy I would like to hang around with. When we got to his house 500 miles into the desert, there was a phone call. It was for me; my student-loan officer.

I once put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.

Once I started reading a book in the middle of a job interview. The guy asked, 'what are you doing?' I asked, 'If I'm driving my car at the speed of light, and I turn on the headlights, will I see anything?' He said, 'I don't know'. So I said, 'Forget it then, I'm not working for you.'