The Wit and Wisdom of Emo Phillips
Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was. His reply: "I don't know, reelection to
....and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to
mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
The toughest time... in anyone's life... is when you have to kill a loved
one just because they're the devil.
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather
I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand. I said "Give me a
bladder por favor." The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers...
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying
to get lucky -- but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump
up and down and run around yelling and screaming... They don't know I'm only
I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
So I said, "Get off me, you two!"
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the
edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well... are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God
or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or
are you reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of
1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge
five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If you'll
notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you've been paying
for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five
hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.